After finally being able to make a full surrender to God, committing to him to follow his path for me no matter what, I asked him to give me another chance to do whatever he asked. I felt as if a great weight had been lifted. I was happy again. I could feel Jesus’ presence with me at all times. Feeling his presence is truly wonderful and I prayed for others to feel his presence the way I do. When I feel him I get a sensation in every nerve as if a small wave of electricity was going through me and then waves of love and warmth. It is such a wonderful feeling, I can’t imagine life without feeling him there anymore.
It was now Holy Week. I knew with certainty that God had called or chosen me to serve a special purpose but was still not certain what, when, where, how or why (but I certainly didn’t think it would take this long to find out).
I watched the miniseries Jesus of Nazareth with my family and now I could identify with how the people in Jesus’ life felt. First Mary and Joseph, then the apostles and followers of Jesus. Once you receive a calling you never feel the same again. You know your life will never be the same again. In the beginning, as with me, there may be doubts and fears, even a little sadness for giving up your previous way of life but once you totally accept it you know that there is no turning back and nothing will ever be the same again. You feel different, set apart from everyone, a part of them and yet not.
I met with my new spiritual director that the young priest had sent me to. It was not what I expected. It was more like therapy with her asking me how I felt or what did I think about the things that I was telling her rather than helping me understand what was happening to me. She told me to ignore everything extra ordinary that was happening to me because it might not be from God, but I told her everything that had happened only drew me closer to God. She recommended reading a book ‘God and You’ by William Barry which was praying by imaging, putting yourself in a gospel story and letting God take over and lead you to learn what he wants you to. I wasn’t sure about this but agreed to try.
A couple of days later, on Holy Saturday, I gave imaging a try. I let the bible fall open and it was the story of John the Baptist before Jesus comes to him. I closed my eyes and amazingly it was as if I was there on the banks of the Jordan River. John the Baptist walked up to me. I introduced myself but he seemed to know who I was. He looked at me and said, “So you are the one chosen to be his companion, to learn from him and to teach your generation about his and the Father’s love for us. To be their voice in your time.” We discussed what it was like to be chosen by God, the ups and downs. Some of his disciples were around and I could tell they were puzzled by what they heard and didn’t understand. Suddenly it was over and I was amazed by how realistic it all seemed. Was God really speaking to me through my imagination, confirming everything he had been telling me?
