Growing Closer
It was Holy Saturday 1994 and I had tried imaging that morning. Now it was later that afternoon and myself, my husband our children and my mother were going to the Easter vigil mass. As we stood outside waiting for the fire to be lit I watched the sunset. Looking at the beauty God had placed in the sky, I recommitted myself to God and asked him for discernment to see his actions in my life, guidance to always follow his path and to always do his will. I began to feel God’s presence growing stronger and stronger within me and when we were inside, standing and going through the numerous readings of the mass, his presence grew so strong I could barely contain it.
It was more powerful than anything I had felt before. I couldn’t move my limbs, my whole body tingled and my eyes kept wanting to roll back in my head. I held my husband’s hand and asked him if he felt anything. He said he felt a tingling sensation. I wasn’t surprised because it felt as if something like electricity was flowing through me yet I never felt so at peace and so loved while feeling so much strength and power.
Almost a week later I met with the young priest again. I told him about the meeting with my new spiritual director and how I was not very happy with how that was going. I told him I felt I needed someone I could tell my experiences to and that person could help me to discern if it was indeed God and then to discern what God wanted from me.
I also told him how I had been praying to see God’s actions in my life, thinking of the present and future, but instead I was seeing God’s actions in my past. Ever the cynic and with a sense of humor he told me hindsight was a wonderful thing, lol. Ignoring his comment, I told him that I felt as if a veil was beginning to lift and I could begin to see my life more clearly and I was sure that God had brought me to this point.
Finding Forgiveness
The calling had now returned, the feeling of knowing you have something to do but can’t remember what it is. It haunted me day and night. I asked God what he wanted but got no answer. A book I was reading at the time, written by a priest, spoke about how you can forgive someone but still hold resentment against them and that God would let us know if we needed to do more. I’m not one to hold grudges or resentment so I wasn’t sure if this applied to me.
I prayed and asked God to show me if indeed there were people I needed to further forgive. Suddenly someone came to my mind. It was my stepfather, though my mother had divorced him years before when I was in high school, he had sexually abused me off and on starting around the age of 9 until I stopped it in high school by threatening to call the police. He had never raped me nor had intercourse with me, it had been mainly touchy, feely stuff, and I felt I had come through it relatively unscathed. I never wanted to see him again but I thought I had managed to forgive him and move on.
Now the pain of this childhood trauma came bubbling up to the surface and all my anger that I unknowingly had buried deep inside of me came flooding out. I dropped to my knees in the backyard, sobbing and accusingly asked Jesus how did he expect me to forgive my stepfather. He quietly told me “I forgave even those who crucified me.” I was amazed and ashamed. What he had gone through was so much worse than anything I had experienced. I asked him to help me forgive my stepfather as he had forgiven those who crucified him. Jesus then said, “Please forgive me and Abba. Your hurt and anger is partially against us for not protecting you from this.” It came flooding through me that while I had gone through this trauma, Jesus had protected my psyche, he had been with me, shedding tears for what I had gone through. As I forgave both my stepfather and Jesus and Abba I felt a weight lift off of me. I felt light and happy and the calling stopped. I can’t tell you how free and light I felt. I thanked Jesus for this healing of a wound I didn’t even know I had and for how much happier I now felt.
In the coming years I would share my experience with others who had gone through this trauma and were unable to forgive either the perpetrator or God or both. By sitting down and speaking with them about what had happened to me in childhood and then with Jesus they were able to find forgiveness and they too felt that weight lifted from them. Forgiveness is truly a powerful thing.
