Yesterday at mass, our pastor spoke about the eucharist and the martyrs. It was a very good homily but it brought back a memory of a conversation with Jesus. I had often told Jesus that I loved him and would die for him if I had to. Then one night I watched a tv movie about Joan of Arc with Leelee Sobieski. The movie was great but when Joan was tied to the steak she believed that God was going to save her until the flames were at her feet. A priest ran and got a crucifix on a long pole and held it up to her face and then she surrendered to God’s will.
I was upset and questioned Jesus as to why he allowed people to die for him instead of rescuing them. They were his most ardent followers and could have done so much more good if they had lived. Why did he need them to die? He answered and said it was not he and the Father who needed their blood but we needed it. If only he died, then as time passed people would begin to forget what he did for us. They would feel it was in the past and even question if it really happened. With the blood of the martyrs throughout the years we would know there was a God who loved them so much that they would be willing to die for him and to save souls.
Then he asked me if I would die for him. I froze. I knew within the depths of my being that my answer could determine my fate. I was terrified. Instead of answering him directly I panicked and deflected. I asked him if we really needed a martyr in this day and age? I told him I thought all of the bloodshed was not necessary. I pushed him away. I didn’t answer him and I went to bed but I couldn’t sleep. I tossed and turned and wondered how I could hesitate telling him yes. He had died one of the most painful deaths humanity has thought of for me. How could I say no? The next day I kept thinking about it, unsure of what I would answer if he asked me again. That night I hesitantly began to pray. He was with me. He once more gently asked “would you die for me?” I looked into his eyes and saw the amazing love he had for me. I summoned my courage and with love and conviction I said “Yes, I would die for you. With all of my love, I would die for you.” I immediately felt so much better, lighter and even joyous.
I will never forget that night and that question. It had been so easy to say I would die for him when obviously I didn’t think that there was any chance of that happening. The night he asked me I knew it was a possibility and I was terrified I could die some horrible, painful death. But when I thought of all he had done for me I knew I could die for him and be filled with joy and love as I died. He had changed everything and my commitment to doing his and the Father’s will grew stronger no matter the cost. Yes, I would die for him! What would you tell him?
